Step 9 of 12 · 6 min
Step 9 — Make Direct Amends Wherever Possible
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Repair, not apology.
Work this step with a guide. These lessons are meant to support the work, not replace a sponsor or mentor. Find someone who has already completed this step — preferably a man who understands your background — and walk through it with him.
Read it, or let someone read it to you — whichever kind of day it is.
Keep it on your computer or phone. The video records in real time, so it takes about as long as the lesson.
Step Nine: "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Amends is not apology. Apology is words. Amends is repair. If you took two thousand dollars, the amends is two thousand dollars, even at fifty a month. If you were absent for five years, the amends is showing up consistently for the next five, not a moving speech at Thanksgiving.
The script is shorter than you think. Name what you did without excuse. No "but you also." No explaining your childhood. Then ask: is there anything I can do to make this right? Then be quiet and take the answer, including anger, including "nothing," including "I do not want to see you." You are not there for absolution. You are there to clean your side.
Never do this cold. Walk each amends through your sponsor or mentor first — the wording, the timing, the setting. Some are letters. Some are financial plans with no conversation. Some are indirect: you cannot fix that person, so you serve someone else in the same spot. And a few you do not make at all, because contact would injure them. That decision is made with counsel, not with your own conscience alone.
Expect this: the ones you dread most usually go better than expected, and one you thought was easy will knock you sideways. Have someone to call the same day. Men relapse after amends when they do them alone and unprocessed.
Tonight: pick the easiest name on your list, write the three sentences you would say, and read them to your mentor before you say them to anyone.
How to work this step: the 12 Steps are not meant to be read alone and checked off. They are meant to be worked under the direction of someone who has already completed all twelve properly — a sponsor, mentor or guide who has done the writing, the confession and the amends themselves, and preferably someone whose background looks something like yours. Reading a step teaches you what it says. Working it with a guide is what changes a life. If you do not have that person yet, do not let it stop you from starting, and do not try to do it alone either — reach out to us through the Contact page or ask any moderator or mentor in the rooms, and we will help you find someone who has walked this road and is willing to walk it with you.
A gentle note on words: when these classes say God or a Higher Power, the Higher Power we have found is Jesus. We say that plainly rather than hiding it, and we say it without pressure. You belong here no matter what you believe right now, and nobody is going to push you. If you ever want to know more about that, reach out to a moderator, a mentor or an admin in the rooms — they will be glad to talk it through whenever you are ready.
Next · Step 10
Step 10 — Continue Inventory and Promptly Admit Wrong