Step 5 of 12 · 6 min
Step 5 — Admit the Exact Nature of Our Wrongs
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. The third person on the list is the one that heals.
Work this step with a guide. These lessons are meant to support the work, not replace a sponsor or mentor. Find someone who has already completed this step — preferably a man who understands your background — and walk through it with him.
Read it, or let someone read it to you — whichever kind of day it is.
Keep it on your computer or phone. The video records in real time, so it takes about as long as the lesson.
Step Five: "We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." The promise attached to confession is healing, not punishment.
Most men have already done two-thirds of this step. You have told God in a bad moment. You know it yourself, at 3am. The third part — another human being — is the one we dodge, and it is the one that actually breaks the power of the secret. Something a secret cannot survive is being said in a normal voice to a man who does not flinch.
Pick the listener carefully. Not your wife, not your kids, not a man who will use it later. A sponsor, a mentor, a pastor, a counselor. Someone with time, discretion and their own recovery. Ask directly: can I read you my Fifth Step, uninterrupted, for an hour?
Read what you wrote. Do not perform it, do not explain it, do not soften the worst line. The temptation is to keep one item back — the one you decided years ago you would take to the grave. That one is the reason you are doing this step. Say it first if you can.
What usually happens surprises men. You do not get struck down. You get told "me too," or "that is not as rare as you think," and something in the chest unlocks. Guilt says I did something bad and can be dealt with. Shame says I am something bad and needs another person's eyes to be dismantled.
Tonight: choose the person and pick the date. Text them now. If you do not have that man yet, ask for a mentor here and say plainly that you have a Fifth Step to read.
How to work this step: the 12 Steps are not meant to be read alone and checked off. They are meant to be worked under the direction of someone who has already completed all twelve properly — a sponsor, mentor or guide who has done the writing, the confession and the amends themselves, and preferably someone whose background looks something like yours. Reading a step teaches you what it says. Working it with a guide is what changes a life. If you do not have that person yet, do not let it stop you from starting, and do not try to do it alone either — reach out to us through the Contact page or ask any moderator or mentor in the rooms, and we will help you find someone who has walked this road and is willing to walk it with you.
A gentle note on words: when these classes say God or a Higher Power, the Higher Power we have found is Jesus. We say that plainly rather than hiding it, and we say it without pressure. You belong here no matter what you believe right now, and nobody is going to push you. If you ever want to know more about that, reach out to a moderator, a mentor or an admin in the rooms — they will be glad to talk it through whenever you are ready.
Next · Step 6
Step 6 — Ready to Have God Remove Defects of Character