Step 8 of 12 · 6 min
Step 8 — List Those We Harmed and Become Willing
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Paper first. Doors later.
Work this step with a guide. These lessons are meant to support the work, not replace a sponsor or mentor. Find someone who has already completed this step — preferably a man who understands your background — and walk through it with him.
Read it, or let someone read it to you — whichever kind of day it is.
Keep it on your computer or phone. The video records in real time, so it takes about as long as the lesson.
Step Eight: "We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." This is a list step, not an action step. That distinction saves people from blowing up their lives out of guilt. Eight is paper and willingness. Nine is doors.
Write four groups. People you owe money. People you lied to or about. People you frightened, hit, cheated on, or abandoned — including with your absence, not just your temper. And people you resent, because resentment almost always came with harm you did back.
Two names men leave off. Yourself — the years, the body, the opportunities burned. Put your name on it. And the person you insist deserved it. Their behavior is not the subject of your amends; yours is. You can put "deserved it" in the notes column and still write the name.
Willingness is the whole assignment, and it is not a feeling either. Willing means if my sponsor said go tomorrow, I would go. If you are not there on a name, do not scratch it out — mark it "not yet" and keep it. Names move from not-yet to ready over months, usually after you have talked about the fear underneath.
One caution: some amends could endanger someone — an ex who needs no contact, a situation with legal exposure, a person your presence would harm. Those get made indirectly and never without guidance. That is exactly why Nine comes with a sponsor and not with a burst of courage at midnight.
Tonight: three columns — name, what I did, ready or not yet. Fill in five names. Then stop. Do not call anyone yet.
How to work this step: the 12 Steps are not meant to be read alone and checked off. They are meant to be worked under the direction of someone who has already completed all twelve properly — a sponsor, mentor or guide who has done the writing, the confession and the amends themselves, and preferably someone whose background looks something like yours. Reading a step teaches you what it says. Working it with a guide is what changes a life. If you do not have that person yet, do not let it stop you from starting, and do not try to do it alone either — reach out to us through the Contact page or ask any moderator or mentor in the rooms, and we will help you find someone who has walked this road and is willing to walk it with you.
A gentle note on words: when these classes say God or a Higher Power, the Higher Power we have found is Jesus. We say that plainly rather than hiding it, and we say it without pressure. You belong here no matter what you believe right now, and nobody is going to push you. If you ever want to know more about that, reach out to a moderator, a mentor or an admin in the rooms — they will be glad to talk it through whenever you are ready.
Next · Step 9
Step 9 — Make Direct Amends Wherever Possible